birth pains

Coming out for me is apparently when you realized the sudden urge to hold another man’s dick. He he he. Sadly, time flew fast since the first time that right now I could not remember when was the first time I first held one man’s penis. Huwaw.

Like Venus Raj’s 30 second-moment to recall her greatest mistake, I could not recall.

Well, it seems that I did not come out. I think he came in. Yes, I think he knocked on my door and if I am not mistaken that hairy thin man from Pagadian let himself in after I opened it and he comfortably sat on my bed. He was tipsy.

We talked. Chika lang baga. I guess, I incidentally hosted the first talk show in 1978 during my freshman albeit there was the absence of lights and cameras. Later, I found him lying on my bed beside me and he asked if he could kiss me on my lips. “One second lang,” and before I could reply he kissed me and when I thought it was more than the time he asked I pushed him back and tried to wipe my wet lips.

Thinking back it was hot and soft but I so naïve, the scent and taste of the alcohol was so awful.

But his body is hot and I think he caressed my whole body and late grabbed my hand to hold his very stiff dick.

Cutting and dragging to few years later, I continue to be discreet although I keep on secretly gazing to other guys bulging groin when there are special moments during my college days.

During these college years, I also discovered the struggle to be free from campus repression and better education.

I thought writing for the campus paper would be cool to write my thoughts and what I see during those Marcos time.

The activist in me got involved in campus activism where I easily introduced myself as gay.

That remained until now but I remain prim and proper at all times except when am at home and in my own turf where I could bitch around naughty boys.

I guess was lucky to have an American gay activist to be my first flat-mate when I first worked overseas in 1991. I was introduced to gay parties where French, Brits, Americans and Arabs wait the breaking of day.

It was also here when I pity the very unique situation of local gays where they could not come out for fear of being disowned by their own family.

Last month, my officemate showed me a picture from his cellphone of his gay friend living in London.

“They prefer to suffer living away from their family just to come out and be free as gay,” my friend lamented. Obviously, he misses his “friend”

Few months back during my vacation, news spread like wild fire that Filipino gays are banned in the Kingdom.

I just shrugged off the news. The regulation has been there before. But the news that there were already more than 30 Pinoy gays deported was already slowly getting into my nerves.

A cumadre emailed me at home to be extra careful during my return to the Kingdom.

“Wag kang kumembot na baka akala mo si Jinky Pacquiao ka. At lalong wag mong gayahin si Mommy Dionesia pagkat bading na bading sya lalo na sa make-up nya. Si Manny Pacquiao ang gayahin mo at mag babad ka sa dagat para di kapansin-pansin ang flawless sa kaputian mong kutis at ganda.”

Yes, coming out is painful. And my job place is slowly contracting like delivering a new life, thus the strict measures being undertaken by the conservative authorities because gay people are obviously coming out.

di rin masaya

Am so confused. I need to calm down.

Friday was a bummer. I learned that my bank account in the Saudi capital was frozen. Eh kasasahod lang noong Wednesday at di ako nakapag withdraw. Takot ako.

All banks here requires all depositors to update all information almost annually. I recently renewed my iqama or residence permit after replacing my lost foreign worker’s permit. Automatically, I know I had to update my information, which I did two weeks ago.

Went to an ATM machine before I did my groceries but instead of churning monies, the machine alerted me to visit the nearest administrator of the nearest bank branch. Whew.

I knew it would happen. The same thing happened some three years ago. They were not able to encode the necessary information in their system. Duh.

I tried internet banking. Transfer money to zambo’s bank account. Did not work. I was even alarmed when it stated I had no enough amount to transfer. Screeeaaaammm.

Saturday, first day of work of the week, I felt like an overheated robot. Even if I tried to speed up my work, there was no way I could squeeze time and visit m bank.

When work was done, banks had closed for the day these time of the holy month of fasting. Work schedules are shorten and ours are just similar to any banking hours.

The sun set and the breaking of the fast is almost near. I tried to transferring money. It did.

I got zambo to bring me the money. Went to send money back home.

Now am sad again after counting what has left from me. Haiz.

I thought I could buy a pair of slacks and new neck ties but. Haiz

I thought i could buy a new laptop or a second hand desktop. Haiz.

I thought I could buy a new SLR camera. Haiz.

Well, I was able to buy more food stuff to last me for a week or so.

salamat po, lord!

keri?

Witels konachiwa keri etilds.

Case 1. Witels pa rin worklalu ang pudak sa qatarchinabumbumley. Witels pa sya andalu kasi witels nga sya worklalu bumbumley. Witels na fudams ang mga junakis sa navotas city at witels pa rin payola ang rentas internas ng balaybumbumley. Witels na rin daw jinanggap ng principaldita ang promissory leteraka ni pudak para sa tuitionbels ng mga junakis. Tulo pa naman itelds at halos two kyaw rin ang utanggils sa eskulembang bawat junakis kada buwanchels.

Case 2. Keri na sana ni bebe ang boarding hauz sa bacoor kung sa SM Bacoor lang sana ang location shooting nya sa loob ng six months nyang work contract. Ang kaso, end of contract na si bebs at dahil nga trendsetter ang SM sa job contractualization sa labor genre sa Pinas ay nag replay sa pag apply ang bebe kech. Absorbed naman agad si bebe kech kesyo sa SM San Lazaro naman ang location shooting. Parang pinaglalapit si bebe ko at si vice ganda. Warla. So, plano ni bebe, I mean akech pa la ang nagplan na mag rentas internas na balaybumbumbley sa malapit sa location shooting ni bebs para di majirapan sa pag byahe ang aking sinta. Ang tanong, keri ko pa ba? First month pa lang ni bebe ay humirit na sya ng 3 kyaw kasi bibili pa raw sya ng shoes at nyortabels na raw ang andalu nya sa pamasahe sa bus, at lrt. Eh kung matutuloy na mag taas ang pamasahe sa lrt. Balik na naman sa tanong. Keri ko pa ba?

Case 3. Nag OJT si new bebe. Bago ko na ring junakis sa buhay kech kasi talagang bata pa ito ay nagtatakbohan na ito sa loob ng bakuran kech. Cute na bata kasi ang kapitbahay kech. Eh, last vacation, nadarang akech. Paano kasi, sightsinebels ko na pinipisil pisil nya ang notrilya nya habang nag iinternet sa loob ng bedroom kech gamit ang desktop nireformat nya. Magaling sya sa pc. Habang minasahe nya,. na sight ya na na sight ko sya at nag devil smile sya. Yun na ang simula. At gaya ng sabi sa sona ni pinoy, pwede na raw mangarap, kaya nangarap si new bebe. Student kasi. Bokot na ako. Baka maabotan nya pa ang plano ng DepEd na mag add pa ng ilang years sa education. Payola na naman ng andalo. Graduating na nga sana kahit na two years lang ang kurso ni new bebe. Nag stop na nga si new bebe ng two years para maka ipon ng pang tuition sa two year course nyang computer technology, baka dagdagan pa ang pahirap. Syempre, witels feel ni mudak na magjijirap pa lalo ang bagong junakis. Ang tanong uli, kaya ko pa bang magbukas uli ng scholarship foundation?

sinilip ko slight ang financial statement kech at ang disbursables...

"foreign residence permit renewal, work permit renewal, mandatory medical test, e-passport renewal, mandatory pag-ibig fund fees, electric bills, internet bills, flat renewal fees, transportation fee, gym fee, food expenses."


luz valdes. witels na pang remittance.

need kong rumampa. mag wanted dead or alive na muna akech. anek pa kaya ang pwedi kong iraket para kumita pa na petrodollars? keri ko pa ba? thunder na akech, tatambling pa ba akech?

Bakit kasi di ako nakinig kay supremong mama monchang na dapat usa usa lang ang bebs. Haiz. Labs ko kasi.

truth commission

Will the Truth Commission investigate why diplomatic missions abroad have done almost nothing in protecting the lives and rights of migrant Filipino workers?

Will it investigate why Filipino workers die inside foreign police stations or in hospitals while embassy officials denies any wrong doing?

Or will it focus only on why the new administration has no more budget allotment to spend on whatever they are drawing?

Well, the truth is there is no commission yet. Bwahahahaha.

Witchelles ko na ito keri. Jokems na naman bumbumley.

bareback

Tulog na ang mga bisita ko liban sa pinsan ng mahal kong kapitbahay na naglalaro sa computer. Kinandado ko na ang gate kaya di na sya makakalabas. Delikado kasi na baka may makasingit at manakawan ang mga sasakyang nakahambalang sa harap ng di pa natatapos kong bahay.

Nahihiya akong di ako nakapaghanda ng mga tulugan para sa aking mga kaibgan na nag desisyong wala ng uwian habang nanonood ng big night ng pinoy big brother kaya siniguro kong sa kwrarto magsikiskan ang apat na mga babae at nahihiya man ako ay ang kaklase kong dean ng isang college of hotel and restaurant ay pinatulog ko sa isang sofa sa sala. paano naman kasi, ang pinagawa kong mga kama ay di pa natapos dahil basa pa ang mga pulang kahoy na binenta sa akin ng mura ng mga kaibigan ng kumpare kong taga bundok.

Sa isa pang gilid ng sala ay dinikit ko ang dalawang parang love seats para medyo maluwag. Kasya ang dalawang taong matutulog.

Gusto ko na ring matulog pero nanghihinayang ako sa pagkakataong meron pang ibong di pa dumadapo sa sanga ng kahoy na binabalutan sa dilim ng gabi.

Maya-maya pa ay maingat na lumapit sa akin ang pinsan ng mahal ko at ako na ang nagyayang mahiga na sya dahil malapit ng mag umaga. Pinatay nya ang computer at nahiga sa tabi ko.

Pumikit na ako at binalot ang manipis na kumot na bumalot sa magkahawak naming kamay.

Humarap sya sa akin at nilapit ang kanyang nag-iinit na katawan. Dumilat ako at nagpang abot ang aming mga titig. Sa tagal ng aming pagtitigan, parang naiintindihan ng aming mga katawan ang hirap na pakawalan ang init ng aming mga katawan sa kalagayan ng aming higaan.

“sa banyo tayo,” bulong nya. Bumangon ako at dumiretso sa banyo malapit sa kusina. Bago ako pumasok ay inabot ko na ang maliit na lotion sa pinaglagyan ko katabi ng mga hand soap na nilagay ko sa may lababo.

Pagkapasok ko sa banyo ay nasa likuran ko na sya. Nalaglag na sa sahig ng banyo ang akong short short pants habang nilamukos nya ng halik ang aking dibdib. Tinanggal ko ang kanyang mga saplot at habang nilalaro ng kanyang dila ang aking mga utong ay dahan dahan nya pinaikot ang aking katawan upang mapaharap sa kanya ang aking likuran.

Panahon na para sa gamitin ang lotion. Ilang patak sa kamay at hinawak ko ang kamay na may lotion sa nagwawalang nyang ari na pinadaplisdaplis nya sa aking likuran. Sadya kong pinatagal para damdamin ang sarap ng init ng makinis nyang ulo.

Bareback sa bareback habang nilalamas nya ng pahigpit ang aking mga suso ay nakatukod ang aking magkalayong mga kamay sa dingding ng banyo.

Dinig na dinig ko ang tunog ng dingding sa bigat ng dalawang katawang nagbabanggan tuwing dinidiin nya ang kanyang aking sumasalubong na katawan.

Malapit na akong makarating sa rurok ng kaligayahan kaya piniga ko ng mahigpit ang dalawang pisngi ng likuran ng aking katipan bago sumabog ang isang napakaligayang sandaling nakaw ng aking buhay.

tomjuns

was supposed to write another blog about my old, old friends that i gathered during my recently concluded vacation.

was wondering on how to start about it.

they were old activists, mass supporters, middle class comrades, a gay reactionary, and an observer.

we were watching the big night of the pbb and we were so noisy, according to a young teen guest.

but am now hungry. i was contemplating of what to eat thinking of the four kilos i lost during my seven-week state visit, huh.

i also thought of my doctor's facial expression upon seeing my blood pressure going down.

so did attack the ref. brought out the fresh fish, veges, and made sinigang.

ang asim.

kain tayo, joms.

may nag txt

two bebs at isang bato

habang nanonod ng TV, actually halos nakikinig lang ng ingay nito, at nagbabasa ng kung ano anong balita at blogs sa internet, may nag txt.

“beh online ako. hubo na ako.”

dali dali kong binuksan yung chikka account ko para mag reply pero andyan na yung isa pang mensahe nya sa ym.

“ano gawa mo?

mi ko malaman kung matutuwa ako o maiinis. palagay ko inis ako sa kanya. paano naman kasi, nag cha chat kami kaninang tanghali at humiling akong makita sya pero di sya nagpakita. Later na lang daw tapos mayamaya ay na offline na sya.

“nakatulog ako beh.’ pagod kasi sa byahe. had to commute to Makati and submit my NBI papers so I could start working on Monday,” rason nya.

mayamaya ay kinumusta ko na sya. nagpakita na sya. royal blue ang underwear nya. litaw ang makinis na ulo, hawak nya ay matigas bago tumirik ang walanghiyang smartbro.

napainom ako ng gamot bago ako atakehin ng altapresyon.

Ako na ang nag offline.

mayamaya ay may nag txt na naman.

“nakauwi na ako galing school. nakakain na rin. ikaw? kumain ka na? ang gamot mo ha, wag kalimutan. bukas na lang ako mag online,” sabi ng txt.

sinagot ko sya sa chikka ng txt. “good. kumusta naman ang klase mo?”

“got rattled. had an oral exam sa English. Di ko nasagot. hiyang hiya ako pero nakabawi naman ako later,” sabi ng txt.

“ba, magaling ako sa oral. magaling rin ako konti sa English. jejeje.” Sagot ko.

“pinabasa ako ng 3 poems at di ko ma pronounce ng tama yung ibang words tapos pina explain pa sa akin yung poem. Nakakahiya talaga ang naganap kanina,” sabi uli ng studyante ng computer technology na kapitbahay ko sa davao.

“sige. bukas na lang tayo mag chat pero may pasok na ako. txt na lang kung online ka sa morning para magising ako otherwise, I will go home early to catch you,” sabi ko sa kanya.

Balik ako sa pagbabasa ng kung ano ano sa internet habang mag isang inubos ang isang buong plato ng maja Blanca. Patay na naman ako sa diabetes ko.

Mayamaya, may txt uli.

“ang lakas ng ulan. Parang may bagyo. Ang lamig. Sana andito ka. Ang sarap tumorjack.. sana kayakap kita sa buong magdamag.”